TALES FROM THE TRiP : BURNING MAN

 TALES FROM THE TRiP


7 DAYS iN THE DUST


A BURNING MAN TALE

For those of you who have not heard of Burning Man, I’d like to first say have you been living under a rock?  (just kidding) The short definition I can give of Burning Man is it is an annual festival held at the end of August in a temporary city erected in Black Rock Desert Nevada approximately 100 miles northeast of Reno.  And yes, you read that correct, it is a city that is built only for the Burning Man festival, built by the festival and it’s attendees, and disappears until its anniversary the following year. Some say that Burning Man is more than a festival or a transformational festival, but that it is home. Home for many where everyone can be their true self without judgements of the harshness of society.  A place where one can express themselves in the way of art, construction, fashion as well as spirit in such openness that it becomes their yearly reset to let go to be who they see themselves to be. Then there are some that will say “it’s just a bunch of hippies doing drugs and stealing from each other”.  And I will say from my experience - all of the above are true.  This “home to many” was founded by a man named Larry Harvey whom is a legend within the burn community and his story is one to inspire, and because of this man I am now able to share with you my next “Tale of the Trip” of my Burning Man experience of 2019 “7 Days in the Dust”. 

I, at this time, was (and still am) a practicing Hermetic.  The practice of Hermetic principles is not a “religion”, but more of a spiritual guide of the mind of living ones life.  Even tho I was born and raised Catholic, I had become more spiritual than my Catholic upbringing as I found comfort in the principles of a book I read of its teachings entitled, “The Kybalion “.  The Kybalion is one of my most prized findings that I have read in my life that I feel gave me the hack to life that I was searching for.  Religion (for me) can have you question, times of hardships, pain, death - when you are a good person - one can stray from its teachings in wonder of “why did this happen to me?”.  When one hears of children being taken and raped as well as women beaten and dishonored it’s a hard thing to understand of the “why” in it all.  I also saw religion to be very head down in its teachings of “tho shall” verses that of the spiritual which was head up and all eyes open.  Not that I do not still honor my christian faith, in fact I honor all faiths as I feel that its teachings are shared in the Hermetic principles, however more simply.  Simply as its a short read, roughly three hours with principles that are meant to put in practice daily. The Kybalion of Hermetic Philosophy contains seven principles of which are :

  1. Principle of Mentalism : “The ALL is MIND; The Universe is Mental.”
  2. Principle of Vibration : “Nothing rests; everything moves; everything vibrates.’
  3. Principle of Correspondence : “As above, so below; as below, so above.  As within, so without; as without, so within.”
  4. Principle of Polarity : “Everything is Dual and has poles or opposites; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree.”
  5. Principle of Rhythm : “Everything flows, out and in; everything has its tides; all things rise and fall; the pendulum-swing.”
  6. Principle of Cause and Effect : “Every Cause has its Effect; every Effect has its Cause; everything happens according to this law.”
  7. Principle of Gender, or Sex : “Gender is in everything; everything has its Masculine and Feminine Principles.”

Now I am not listing these for any reason in this tale other than for you to gain the perspective of where my mind was and where it goes in this story.  So in saying that, lets get to the beginning of it. 


THE INTRO

When one goes to “The Burn”, as we call it, one can go solo obtaining tickets yourself, or you go with a camp.  I had an energetic fun couple I knew, Blake and Stefany Ferry, that held their own camp every year in Black Rock City called Camp Zentropez.  This was technically my first burn and I was honored to be booked by the Ferry’s to do my How To Happy Chef classes as part of the provisions of their camp.  I was so very excited for this experience as I do love teaching about cannabis and fungi, part in why I started my patreon of “How To” videos as well as I do my class out in Las Vegas and also take it on the road.  But Burning Man being my stage? I was in!

I was to be gone, unplugged, with no service at the camp for 7 days.  That is difficult for many to do in todays society of the “business” way of life, but I made the arrangements to go in its entirety and began packing the necessities.  Survival out there, you have your camp, but you’re also on your own.  So water, food, baby wipes, clothes, masks, goggles (as per the dust storms), toiletries, - basically think camping, camping away from all civilization and being self sustaining in the desert. You also usually make your own costumes for the festival to showcase your uniqueness and authenticity.  So I packed the survival kits, fashioned a hat and jacket for my class, and packed the medicine to dose my class.

Our camp consisted of 120 people and I was to teach 2 classes.  So I did my math and calculated to bring 3000mg (or 3g) of water soluble THC and 3000mg CBD (3g) of water soluble CBD - for those not wanting the psychoactive effects of delta-9.  This would allow a 25mg dose per attendee, micro-dosed in various dishes. Water soluble is a form of extraction that is a white powder that dissolves in water, where other forms of cannabis are not soluble in water, as well as it resembles the look of cocaine. And lastly, I brought 200 grams of ground psilocybin (1.6 grams per camper) for my fungi infusion and was to do all demonstration in plant-base cuisine made on sight; the largest class I would ever have taught in my career. Pinch me!

Now that I was all packed up and the day had arrived, it was time to get on the road.  So I headed to the Ferry’s to ride up with a group of other campers in our RV.  I was lined up to ride up with a group of ladies named KJ, Shelby, Crysta, and Irene and we were followed by our friends Kurt and Luke (Stefany Ferry’s brothers), a couple named Love and Light, and a guy named Monet. So we had our caravan of RV’s each set up with their riders to follow each other into Black Rock. 


ROUGH START

(Saturday, August 24, 2019) As I get to the Ferry’s neighborhood their was some set backs, one of the RVs as they were being brought in crushed one of the campers cars parked out front.  That was unfortunate, put a damper in the start of our day, but we all dealt with it the best we could and pushed on.  

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On the way up in my car of ladies we were in an Escalade hauling a trailer full of supplies and equipment for camp.  As we began driving, KJ whom I knew and befriended before, meeting her at the Ferry’s, expressed to me she wasn’t comfortable driving, so I volunteered to do the first run as I had pulled trailers before.  We hit the highway and I couldn’t even get the speed up to 40 miles an hour without having the entire trailer swing left and right into the other lanes.  I was nervous and slowed down even more trying not to wreck into anyone else on the road.  We head to a gas station and find that whomever loaded trailer had loaded it wrong, putting all the weight at the tail, when it should’ve been at the hitch.  We pulled over on the side of the road and unloaded and reloaded the trailer proper and then the real fun began.

I won’t dive into too many details on the journey up for all of us, other than that it was unbelievably painful.  Unbelievably as, No lie, we had 5 flat tires in 4 different RVs, we ALL broke down. 

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All of us were in disbelief, exhausted, and just wanting to make it to camp that would end up taking 33 hours to get to on a (supposed to be) 12 hour trip. 

Midway through the breakdowns, I switched from riding with the girls to swapping with Kurt so that there would be at least one man in the car incase another incident happened.  Luke and I had the best conversations and let’s say that we were having our own party at that point jamming to a multitude of playlists from each others phones having a good time, then we hit the line.

The line into Burning Man was excessive, 3 hours of our journey was spent in line waiting to get on the playa. As we were in line, we were pulled over.  

Luke and my RV at suffering the flat tire, blew a fuse in our tail lights.  So we had the BM security pull us over as we explained what happened, he let us go with telling us to put on our hazards till we got to camp.  We did and continued pressing in.  Another security guard pulled us over, and guess what for - because we had our hazards on.  We were beyond frustrated after the 30 hours of breakdowns, but Luke calmly said, “we were pulled over about 20 cars back for our busted tail lights we suffered a break down and flat on the way here and the last gentleman said for us to put on our hazards till we got to camp.”  The guy radios, and lets us back in line.  We were about to the gate when miraculously (as there is zero service on the playa) got a phone call from Kurt that one of our campers were pulled over at the gate at D lot and couldn’t get in because security couldn’t open their RV, and we had the keys. I saw the frustration build in Luke, he had been driving the entirety and the playlist wasn’t cutting our mood to be lifted.  So we get up to gate and then are pulled over once more, having to as well go to D lot, where they were strict to not let us out of our RV’s but we had to give the keys to another pulled over, they were being strict to people being smuggled in without a ticket and checking all RV’s for stow aways. 

After some arguing, lots of frustration they finally let us in and we headed to our lot at 8:45 and K to park and sleep for the night, or what was left of it as it was 4:10 in the morning by this point. So I meet back up with KJ and head to our shared camper for some over due shut eye.


COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO

(Monday August 26, 2019) KJ and I wake, groggy and sweaty.  We had zero idea of the time as both of our phones were dead.  It was dark in our camper as we just pulled in and had not yet hooked up the electricity for the camp.  So we muscled up to walk out the RV, us both yawning, barely opening our eyes, we look straight ahead at the camp next to ours, and as are eyes started to come into focus -there we got our wake up call. Two men appearing in their 60s buck ass naked with their members hanging wide open.  I just looked at KJ, smiled and said, “well cock-a-doodle-do to you KJ”.  She laughed and immediately said, “it’s too early for me to see that without my starbucks”. 

Now, as I said above KJ (@kj_lindsey) and I knew each other awhile back, re-meeting at the Ferry’s and realizing we had knew each other and of each other for years.  KJ is a celebrity booking agent for some top artists and DJs in Las Vegas.  I know quite a lot of artists and we pieced together the people that connected us, one major one being our friend Damion Hall from the group Guy (@damionhall_guy).  I had met Damion years before from my friend Stefany Bachlaan back in Los Angeles. I swear I am never surprised anymore of how truly small our world is. 

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Me, Damion Hall & KJ

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Me, Stephany and Damion 

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Mad love for you Crazy Legs <3 

So with KJ and I both being booked to work the burn, and both of us came solo, we were so happy that we were bunking together.  I had set intentions, other than my class, of personal intentions that I needed to work through and let go.  I had just lost my company, my research, and the guy that I loved that was partially responsible for what happened to me exactly 1 year (August 2018) to the burn of 2019.  That year was a lot of pain, growth and took a few worldly medicines aid to get me to the level of healing I was at at that point, but I still had work to go.  I had triggers, trust issues (especially towards men), the law suit, and a lot of loss to work through and I needed to move on - as B said, “they weren’t meant for you”.  So that was my intention for this burn, was to find my peace, my muchness again, and burn away it all with the man. And KJ was on a very similar path.  Thank goodness we had each other for we didn’t know what to expect the next 6 days. 

Our camp had lost their early entry from Burning Man group, so there was a lot to do, and a lot to build - like the camp itself.  Luke, Kurt, Shelby, Irene, Crysta, with others we met of Walter, DeeDee, Aaron, Trey, Tom, Jess, Love and Light, and the Ferry’s were all getting to work to assemble camp and put together the main art car, the “Trash Panda”, which was our stage for the dj’s to perform. They had another boat art car that was for driving around the burn, which was awesome considering it was a city of over 65 thousand people. Shelby, Crysta, and Irene (known as the Houston Girls) were booked to bartend, so they gathered up all the alcohol to build and stock the bar areas.  Kurt, Luke, DeeDee, Walter, Tom, Trey and Aaron and the rest of the guys went to do the heavy work of getting power to the RVs and building the camp. I started to help set up the kitchen with Monet whom was booked to cook for the camp.

First day was mostly all work just seeing our camp and building away, trying to get the placements of the RVs and power up and running for the people in our camp that paid the big bucks to be there.  They were my least favorite people.  They felt that since they paid “so much” to be there that it gave them the excuse to treat everyone and anyone doing the work like TOTAL SHIT!  And a #HappyFact, there was many in our group that paid to be there that were busting their asses.  Because that’s what the burn is about!  It’s not about entitlement, or VIP.  It’s about community, and chipping in, helping your brothers and sisters build home, but they decided to instead bitch and whine to all of us for the dumbest shit.  I never heard so many grown ass men whine in my life!  As well as they were disgusting, leaving trash and their plates and cups everywhere, expecting us to pick up after them when the trash can was 5 feet from them.  They made my blood boil!  Then a familiar face showed amongst our campers that I did not expect nor wish to ever see.

Our art car that was meant to get us around was a man in our camps named Brad rented by the Ferry’s for the whole camps use. Brad was Monsters best friend, thats right the man I was in love with that caused me all that pain just a year before.  My first thought was “What in the all fuck! Why the fuck did he have to be at my camp! Why me!” He immediately recognized me.  I was busting my ass helping others and him being one of the “I paid so much to be here” campers, he treated me and all of us like his personal servants. I swear he would see me working and go steal a beer and come to me to open it like I had a beer opener - just to be a dick.  I bit my tongue and directed him towards the bartenders whom had that equipment and kept helping. And Brad, he did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help any one of us.  He just did Ketamine all damn day walking around in his little costumes. Fucking prick! And he was staying in our camp not 2 RV’s away from mine - joy! 

I continued to work throughout the remainder of the day and as bed time came I couldn’t have been more ready to close my eyes and see a new day.  And hoping it would be a better one.


“HOLD THIS”

It was (Tuesday, August 27, 2019), only 2 days in at camp and I could barely move.  Sore from top to bottom, it was as if everything ached. I wake up to KJ bringing me a coffee. (this bitch lives on coffee all day lol) I sit up and began to drink and it wasn’t helping.  I felt there wasn’t an amount of caffeine that could get me energized, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained - and I had barely left camp.  Thankfully I do what I do and came more than prepared, so I measured out 100 milligrams blend of a 1:1 (THC/CBD) stirred it in my coffee and I was back in business.  Took the edge off everything completely and the caffeine actually started feeling like it was working.  

I got dressed and ate my breakfast to head back to work.  The boys were all still constructing camp, cranes and jack hammers (the works) being used, whiles the women were taking care of the rest.  The kitchen still needed work, the bikes needed to be assembled and the dinning area and tent were being constructed today.  Which was the dinning tent area was where my classes were being held the very next day starting at 4:20pm.  I was nervous because it appeared like so much still needed to be done. Walter was reassuring me that with the equipment and crane that the tent would be up in no time.  So I let it go figuring the class would happen and continued working.  

A dust storm started into the playa, so I ran back to KJ and my camper to grab my goggles.  I walk in our RV and find one of the “paid so much” campers in KJ and my room laying on KJ’s bed along with Light.  I immediately ask, “um why are you in our camper, get out!”.  The man (we will call him douche #1 from now on) Douche #1 looked like a orange spray tanned version of the cartoon character Johnny Bravo, huge muscles and abs, wearing sparkly purple pants that were so tight that I could fit into them.  Douche muscles up and says with a weird tone, “I’m in a K hole, I’m not moving.”  I said, “I will put you in a hole if you don’t get your ass out of my room! WTF, you have your own camper, why the fuck are you in mine and on our beds!” He then looks at me and he starts with, “You have never been to burning man have you?  This is what the burn is all about.  What’s mine is yours and whats yours is mine.  We share everything.  While Light chimes in with some whack “spiritual guidance” with, “He’s speaking truth Dee.  You are bringing your dark to us and now creating a dark place in here, where there once was light before you came.  Here no one owns anything, we are all sharing...” At this point my blood was boiling over!  Then thankfully, KJ walks in looking for me and sees douche #1 on her bed and yells, “GET THE FUCK OFF MY BED AND OUT OF MY CAMPER!”  She looks at me like how could I have let this happen.  I saw the look and say “I’ve told him to get out already and he said he wasn’t going to because he was in a K hole, so I wasn’t leaving till they’re gone.”  KJ made sure the guys got out our RV and her and I took a minute to check our things. She was so pissed, had that random douche that sweated all over her bed that she had to sleep on.  I immediately checked my purse and wallet where I brought 1k dollars incase we stopped anywhere on the way to be safe. Thankfully it was still there, then I check my medicine pack for my ingredients for my class, again everything there. KJ and I sat for a minute venting about douche as he had his own camper, that was nicer than ours, and as well wasn’t lifting a finger to help any of us! It was made certain that if we didn’t have so many of the “paid so much” or “privileged” campers that our camp would’ve been built already.  So after our short bitch session, we got up to go help the crew.

The tent we had over the dinning area was a huge 100 person tent with 25ft aluminum beams being lifted by a crane for the roof and legs.  The aluminum beams were laid out on the ground of where they needed to be.  The Texas ladies were helping line them up and were wearing their burn outfits as they had thought they were mainly bartending.  The “privileged” men in the camp, were sitting across in their fold out chairs just watching all the girls work in straight dental floss - again not lifting a finger.  KJ walks up to douche#1 whom had made his way back to his camper sitting out in front and says, “Oh you can’t help?  All those muscles just for show then huh?”  I laughed as it appeared he was still just in his own hole and as he didn’t respond or get up, we kept working.  

The guys were working to set up the tent, the crane lifting the beams up to set them in the legs to be mounted to the ground.  As I walked by, DeeDee asked me if I would hold one of the beams as Walter was in the crane putting up the top. I began lifting the leg and it was light enough (after all it was aluminum) so I held it up as Walter was setting it in. Then the crane jolts down shifting a thrust to the top beam throwing it sliding off the leg with such a force that it threw me into an immediate scream! 

I fall to the ground holding my left shoulder, crying and screaming like no one could here me, but I was surrounded by many.  Tears pouring down my face, KJ came over with DeeDee and led me to my room, where they laid me down. Luke and Kurt heard what happened and ran to our camper to check on me.  Both the boys upset, especially Luke as he felt women should’ve never been working doing that kind of heavy work.  I was in shooting pain! So again, thankfully I do what I do, I take another 100mg to take the edge off...then another 100 and the pain finally subsided to were I could focus. 

I’ll wrap up the day with my shoulder was out of socket, and was then popped back in later that evening. That’s right, I had my shoulder popped back in place on the playa at Burning Man...and that wraps up day 3.  


BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

(Wednesday, August 28, 2019) I woke thinking “damn I’d go back to the cock-a-doodle day over this”.  My shoulder was swollen and to be expected, sore.  I took more of my medicine. Now that it was in socket I didn’t need that much so I did my 1:1 I did the first day in my coffee that KJ again woke me with and I was fine and I just took it easy, or at least I tried to.  

I wake and leave our RV and notice that the tent and dinning area still wasn’t up.  Everyone was running around, trying to get things moving, but seemed like a domino effect of chaos just kept happening.  Power issues, cooling issues for the food, equipment issues.  It was a beautiful disaster!  And the privileged, well they weren’t happy and they made sure we all knew about it.  

More whining and complaining from the “paid so much” crew. They were calling our camp the “Fyre Festival”, the provisions weren’t met, art car for dj wasn’t built yet, dj’s not showing, and they were all trashing the place. I made myself a sling out of a scarf I brought that helped keep some weight off my shoulder and began helping best I could to pick up after these grown ass children. Plates of half eaten burgers, cigarette buds, forks, and red bull cans on the ground.  The Burning Man Rangers were coming by often, and pissed that our camp was in such condition.  We expressed to them that we were cleaning up the best we could and they left us with a warning...for now.  And then I went to the front of KJ and my RV where KJ set up 4 comfortable gravity chairs for me, her, Luke, and Kurt to have a break area. This was our little oasis away from the chaos.  I sat, trying to eat my late breakfast, while the crew all joined us very tired and beat brutally from the week.  Kurt and KJ get up to go back and work, while Luke and I hung a bit at our oasis.  Talking with Luke was the first time I laughed since we got there.  We played music and took our minds off the camp and its campers until one of them graced us with his presence.  

Light comes over with a disgusted look on his face, walks up to Luke asking about the power to his RV.  Luke responds with “There’s a long line of RV’s that we have to get to first and we are waiting on getting the generators, but I’ll get to it when we can.”  Light with a cocky voice says, “Well when do you think it will get done.” Luke responds with, “When it’s done.”  They go back and forth for awhile Light calling Luke a dick and Luke just loosing his temper.  Now mind you this was supposed to be Luke’s vacation, he had just gone through hell; divorced, released from the air force do to a medical incident that left him having seizures, and came to the burn like we all did - for a reset.  Oh wait, and did I mention Luke, Kurt, Trey and Aaron didn’t even have their RV’s up and running yet.  He was exhausted with barely anywhere to lay his head for the last 3 days.  I thought he was going to punch Light in the face - and I wouldn’t have blamed him. Luke then told Light, “Hey man, the longer you disrespect me, I’ll make sure your RV is dead last!” Light then puts his mouths attention towards me and says to me, like he’s my boss, “And what are you supposed to be doing?” Before I could respond Luke says, “She just got injured yesterday and dislocated her shoulder, she’s resting.”  Light looks at me, “Well you have another arm don’t you? You can sweep or do anything, but just sit there...”.  Yeah...this coming from the guy that was doing ketamine in KJ and my RV with douche #1 trying to give me a spiritual speech.  I looked at him and I know whatever evil inside me rose up as I could tell by the tone in my voice and the face he made as I said calmly, “I am not doing anything at this very moment, but icing my shoulder, and I certainly am not doing one fucking thing for you.  So you can get your ass the fuck away from me and you can do it now.”  Light says nothing more and backs away leaving us finally and probably to go whine to someone else.  Then Stefany walks over to me.

Stefany came over to check on me and see how I was doing.  She looked at my arm in disbelief that what happened happened as she was seeing how swollen my arm was.  I felt so bad for Stefany and Blake.  I had seen the schematics and drawings of what the camp was supposed to be and look like and I could see the stress on her face.  Blake repeatedly was saying that he’d never bring so many first timers again as so many thought that just because they paid whatever money that they were on a tropical vacation and we were all the help.  Stefany couldn’t even sit for 2 minutes without another camper coming to whine to her about ...well...anything. I could see her holding back tears of frustration.  It was like the campers held her responsible, like she planned the chaos on purpose.  What she didn’t plan was to have so many ungrateful, and so many not help at all, and the frustration of knowing that camp would’ve been up the first day if everyone actually pitched in was eating at her.  However, Stefany is a strong one and bosses up and bossed up each time and just kept moving.  She left me telling me not to worry about todays camp as the tent wasn’t up yet and to rest and start tomorrow.  She then looked at KJ and I and told us to go with Tom in the art car and go for a ride and see more of the burn.  Tom had to pick up some supplies from another camp so Jess (Tom’s fiancee), KJ, the Texas girls, and myself all get on the art car to go for a spin.  That was the first time any of us left the camp for even a moment. 

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The ride was short, but worth it.  We came back and dinner was ready, so we all ate and I helped clean up best I could, medicating myself obviously, and went to go rest it off for another night.


SPOTTIEOTTIEDOPALISCIOUS ANGEL

Waking up on (Thursday, August 29, 2019), and this time before KJ, so I headed to the kitchen to grab us our coffees and of course add my medicine in each.  We get dressed and head to grab some breakfast that was being served inside the kitchen trailer as a another dust storm came in.  However, minus the dust storm, which we were all used to at this point, our tent for camp was finally looking good. Cheers babe!

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KJ & I, the Dust Bunnies

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Now you can see the size of those beams I was dealing with, yikes!

My shoulder was still sore, but heat, ice, and my meds were doing the trick for the pain.  I was still taking it easy, but I was able to do more. My next class wasn’t until Friday, so today I was doing what I could to help finish setting up the tent for a proper stage for my class. 

After a full day from about 6am to 3pm the crew got a lot done.  Tables and chairs all set up, the Texas ladies set up the bar fully stocked for our Friday party, and our Trash Panda art car was just about finished being put together. Was finally feeling satisfied and proud of our camp.  The Ferry’s did a fantastic job with the design and as well the “privileged” campers were staying away, as they weren’t wanting to help, so the energy got so much better.  So much so that Stefany suggested we all go out that night, there was a few DJ’s playing at various camps and she wanted the entire crew to enjoy and see the fun side of the burn.  So we all got excited, Jess (Tom’s fiancee) offered to help me with my makeup as she was just a pro at her head pieces and designs.  Jess if you are reading this you NEED to open your own store STAT! So I set aside an outfit and went to go find Luke to go on an adventure.

One of my friends was the head chef at camp Big Imagination 747, which is a giant 747 aircraft that was turned into a art car/party bus.  In fact, that’s his main job.  He makes enough money prepping and cooking for camps at Burning Man that the remainder of the year he travels the world! I often tell him I want to be him when I grow up. Chef Brian and I met on the Netflix show “Cooking On High” on our “Carb Loaded” episode and we just clicked.  We had talked about meeting up at camp this year, but with service being terrible, I was going to have to come to him.  So, since Luke was in the Air Force and worked for Bowing as an Aircraft Engineer, I couldn’t have picked a more perfect partner to come with me to go see Brian. 

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Chef Brian (@chefbv) and I on Netflix COOKING ON HIGH

The art car to ride was gone, as well were all our bikes, and it was a long walk at the opposite side of the city.  However, our neighbor Happy at the next camp over offered to give us a ride to the playa. So Luke and I hopped on.  As Happy started driving, the ride wasn’t as smooth as we were hoping, I was keeping my arm up so it wouldn’t get jolted and then Happy’s art car breaks down, and not 2 blocks from are camp.  We had barely made it anywhere.  I looked at Luke’s face as he was excited to see the 747 and more just happy to not be on camp anymore, so I said hey forget it, let’s go anyway.  We can hitch a ride on another art car on the playa the rest of the way.  Luke began to smile as we headed to the end of our dial to the center of the playa, we ended up stopping at random art pieces, Luke finally having some fun and showing it.  

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Then we hitched a ride and finally made it to our destination and it was truly a site to see. 

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Me in front 747 Big Imagination

I said hi to Brian who was in the middle of prepping dinner for his camp and Luke and I realized that we better head back to camp to catch our dinner.  So I hugged Brian and we headed back.  

Now getting across camp to 747 was easy, there were art cars everywhere.  getting back on the other hand, as it was dinner time, was challenging.  So we ended up walking back in the direction we believed to be towards our camp. 

On our walk back I felt like Alice again, lost in Wonderland.  The signs that normally tell you where you are had been taken down, stolen by other campers for souvenirs, and only remained the pole of a marking of where it used to be.  We knew we were at the end of the dial at 8:45 and K, but the roads all became twisted.  They do tell you at Burning Man you are meant to get lost, and that’s just what we were - lost. We were walking in the middle of some street, smelling food everywhere we passed, when suddenly a man comes out in front of us and greets us saying, “Hi, my name is Stardust what’s yours?” Luke responds, “Hi there, I’m Luke and this is Dee.” Stardust begins to invite us in his camp for ramen and pot stickers, (damn that sounded good) and as we were lost and hungry, and we figured we would probably miss dinner at our camp, we happily excepted. 

We enter the camp that I cannot remember the name and were greeted again by the man that ran that camp who seemed very interested in Luke as we were standing in line to get our ramen and pot stickers.  The man (looking like he was on heavy drugs or “tweeking” bad”) wasn’t paying attention to me at all, but he kept touching look a lot like they were old pals.  Then he asked Luke to come back to his RV because he had a gift for him.  Luke hesitated as it was unusual how the man gravitated to him so, and as Luke began to walk down a dark alley between RVs he stopped and came back to me with a quickness saying to the man, “Sorry man we have been lost for awhile and I am not going to leave my friend.” The man frustrated said, “ok ok fine, I’ll go get the gift for you.” I finally reach the line for the ramen, the girl serving filled my cup I had on me and then I waited for a pot sticker.  As I get handed a pot sticker the woman serving them says to me, “Hey who are you?  You aren’t in our camp.  Just coming by for free food, what the fuck is wrong with you?”  I immediately was like, “Hold up, we were invited in here by Stardust.” Me suddenly realizing how that sounded coming out of my mouth just backs out of line.  As Luke and I discuss how rude that lady was the man comes back with his gift for Luke.  The gift was a dirty old shirt.  I could literally smell the body odor and heavy cologne from 3 feet away where I was standing.  The man holds up the shirt and Luke and I notice the neck had been stretched like someone ripped it.  He hands Luke the shirt, Luke reaches out his hand to not be rude and thanks him.  Then the man says to Luke, “Now you have to give me your shirt.” Luke stops and says, “Hold up now I am not giving you my shirt.  For one this is my work shirt (his Bowing shirt) and I am not parting with it, these are given to us specially by Bowing.”  The man gets upset.  Literally his eyes were black, rolling back in his head.  He reached his hands up to grab his hair almost to yank it out and yells, “You REALLY are going to turn down my gift.  Are you kidding me?!  You’re an ASSHOLE.  You hear me!  You are a fucking ASSHOLE!” Luke backs up and as an ex vet was looking at his surrounding wondering what was going to happen.  I was doing the same.  The man stomping in circles like a child, still grabbing his hair murmuring to himself, “He turned down my gift.  I can’t believe this asshole turned down my gift...” (the man repeats) Luke then gives the old smelly shirt back to the guy and says, “Look man, I wasn’t trying to upset you or cause any problems.  Thank you, but here is your shirt back.  My friends and I are going to leave now.”  The man then looks at Luke with crazy eyes, comes towards Luke and grabs Luke’s head and gives him a huge kiss on the cheek.  He then grabs Luke pulls him close holding him saying, “Just let it out.  This is why we are here.  This is why we’re here...” Luke patted the guy on the back and excused us saying we needed to make our way back to camp and we got our of there as fast as possible.  

Luke and I on the walk back just kept looking at each other, shaking our heads. “I can’t believe that shit just happened.  Did you see him kiss me?!”  I laughed and shared my ramen that I happen to get which was just the packs of ramen you buy at the store for 10 cents and we enjoyed that as we found our way back home. 

Returning to camp was perfect timing.  My arm had started to hurt a bit as I had been walking all day without a sling, so I put my sling back on and grabbed an ice pack. We ended up getting a little bite to eat at camp (thank goodness) and Jess was all ready to do my makeup.  I went to get all done up while KJ was picking out an outfit and getting hers done as well.  She did a killer job with both of us.  We finish dressing and head to the tent as we were waiting for the art car to come back again and for some of the bikes to be returned.  

I go over to the table and still with my sling went to grab a chair and sit down to rest.  The chair was a metal folding chair and was a bit unsteady so I reach my good hand under the chair to re-balance it and the chair opens and I sat down as my hand was still under the chair as the metal bracket cramped down on my finger and locking it in.  Again I felt shooting pain!  I was right in front of Kurt at the time and all I remembered saying was “get it off, get it off, get it off! GET IT OFF MY HAND!”  Kurt frantically figures out what had happened as I stood up the chair still clamped to my middle finger ripping the skin and gets my hand free.  It was then that I blacked out...

I woke every now in then with flashes of a mans back, then I woke again in my bed.  I heard Kurt and Luke talking to me, Luke saying she was getting ice and his first aid kit.  I was deliriously in pain, pain shooting up and down my arm to my brain.  I could feel every bit of it.  I said to Luke, “I need my medicine.” Luke replied with, “Dee, you just had 2 seizures back to back. I can’t allow you to talk anything that will dehydrate you.” I look at Luke and then I look at Kurt and say, “I had two seizures?!?”  Kurt replied, “Yes.  You had the first one when I released the chair from your hand and I caught you from falling.  Trey then picked you up to carry you to your room and when he put you down on your feet you had another seizure...”.  I couldn’t believe it.  I had never had a seizure before.  I turn to Luke, “I don’t remember any of this...” as Luke said, “You don’t normally.”  Me still in pain repeats, “Luke I need my medicine.”  Luke tried to hand me his seizure medication that he has to take as I said, “I don’t take that kind of medicine, I need my medicine. GIVE ME MY MEDICINE.”  Luke calmly repeats saying, “Dee I told you, it is important you stay hydrated right now, I cannot give you weed right now.” Me again, “Give me my medicine. Just GIVE ME MY MEDICINE.” The pain was just building more and more as I removed the ice from my hand my finger looked like those cartoons look when they smash their fingers - it was 4 times it size in swelling and throbbing.  “Luke, give me my medicine.  And give it to me now.  I have to get myself out of pain.” Luke, “Dee, I Can’t...”.  I then cut him off and I was speaking so fast you’d probably thought I was speaking in tongues and I went into my science mode. “Look Luke. Water soluble delta-9 and cannabidiol goes in water, ONE that will keep me hydrated, TWO the fact is its a oral method of consumption that is partially sublingual so it will hit my bloodstream fast as well as bypasses the inhalation of smoking and my lungs which ultimately dehydrates you...and THREE There are more than enough case studies showing anecdotal evidence of CBD’s aid in epilepsy, tremors and seizures...WHICH is WHERE the strain name Charlotte’s Webb came from, because that strain helped a little girl named Charlotte and stopped her from having seizures.  I know I didn’t get to teach my class yet, and I can’t pull up google, but trust me JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING MEDICINE DAMNIT!” I said all of that so fast and starring at Luke like I would’ve hit him, if I had a good hand to do it, as Kurt says, “I think you should just give her her medicine Luke...” Kurt asked, “Where is it Dee?” I tell him where the powder was and he grabs a bottle water and he looked confused as he didn’t know what to do with it.  So I told him to open the containers I had the powders in and grabbed it from him, didn’t even look at how much I was putting in, I just dumped quite a bit in the water, shook it and chugged it down as fast as I could. 

Not even 15 minutes later, I begin to giggle.  I was completely out of all that pain, literally I didn’t feel any of it, I barely felt that I was laying down and even looking at my finger and how it was throbbing, I felt no pain. I just kept giggling.  Trey came in at this time to check on me and I said, “Hey...hey...Trey man...my Superman...you...you man, you’re my hero, my fireman man...” (I said like I had just drank a fifth of vodka) Trey looked at me confused and then looked at the boys as Luke said, “Yeah she’s good...She just took some medicine and is a bit loopy...”.  I look at Luke and say, “Psssssssshhhhhh I’m loopy?!?!? ...no you’re loopy.  Im not loopy, I’m spottie...”.  Kurt says, “Spottie?!? What’s Spottie?”  I then say, “You don’t know SPOTTIE? (I say shocked) and then I began to make a tone from my mouth of, “da da do dodo, da da do dodo, don don dondun dun DUN...” and recite: 

“Damn damn damn damn... 

Yes, when I first met my Spottieottiedopalicious Angel

 I can remember it like it was yesterday

The way she moved reminded me of a Brown Stallion

Horse with skates on, ya know. 

Smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair...”


It wasn’t long before, one of the boys put on Outkast “Spottieottiedopalicious” and then I was in heaven. The boys watched me all night, taking shifts between Kurt, Luke and KJ as I finally fell asleep. 


“It’s Just My Interpretation of the Situation” - Outkast

(Friday, August 30, 2019)  The next morning, I woke up still very much under the influence, truthfully I was high as shit. I get up remembering most the night and knowing I took my medicine, I went to check how much I took.  I weighed it out and I had taken over 1200mg in one hit!  First thought was “damn, no wonder I was so gone and still feel this way.” Second thought was (at no surprise) food and water.  

I head to the kitchen to find Luke and Kurt were awake.  I ran into Trey as well and thanked him, while sober, for fire man carrying me to my room.  People at the camp had heard about what had happened and were asking me if I was okay, and how I felt.  So I communicated my thanks and went and grabbed anything I could to eat and drink.  Luke and Stephany, as I am stuffing my face, start talking about getting me an IV because I needed to stay hydrated after 2 seizures.  So after I inhaled my food, I went to go grab my medicine and headed to the IV/ massage room.  While I was waiting for my IV I rolled up a joint of Kenji’s Insane OG and smoked it right there and just said, “Fuck It.”. 

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Getting an IV & rolling Insane OG: hydrate & medicate Lol

Fuck it right? I mean what more could happen?  Five breakdowns, my ex (Monster’s) best friend here to haunt me, my shoulder, my finger, my seizures; it was just constant pain, so I was going to just be still and turn off the remainder of my burn, salvaging what I could of the experience. I decided I would keep my pain down by staying heavily medicated and ice and heat as much as possible. As well as - I am not doing shit else.  I was damn near accident prone.  Like a bad omen or black cloud over me.  It’s like this years trauma just couldn’t end already.  I had been through enough! Between all my loss and the year of pain of the rebuild.  Going to meetings that lead to nowhere, meeting con artist after con artist, more corporate clowns...Felt like a year of just straight torture!  And the torture continued to a place I went to for peace at a milestone “bucket list” of an event. It was a milestone alright.  

The crew decided it was time to cheer me up, as well as they were in dying need of some r&r and enjoyment for themselves.  Most of them had worked the entirety of the burn and were unable to see much of the art and beauty it had to offer, but they were determined in the sense of needing the accomplishment to finish our art car of Trash Panda and for us to have our own crew pre-party on it.  

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Aaron, Me, Kurt and Luke on top Trash Panda

Trash Panda was done, the camp was up and running, and it was time for us all to party and see the rest of the playa. I continued to medicate heavily the remainder of the day, as to me having so many baby sitters, but mainly so the journey to see the art and other camps wouldn’t hurt so bad.  Plus the man was to burn tomorrow, and I wasn’t missing it.


ANGEL SEES THE DEVIL

(Saturday August 31, 2020)  I wake up the day of the burn in complete and total agony.  They always say the second day after any injury is the worst and boy they aren’t kidding.  Every inch of me was screaming at me, “why the fuck are you trying to move woman!  Lay your busted ass down!” was pretty much what my body was yelling, but I pushed myself to sit up, grabbed my water, my meds and went back to la la land. 

After our initial breakfast, the whole camp was starting to get ready for the burning of the man.  This is when everyone brought out their best outfits, or the burner costumes.  The booty shorts, the head dresses, fishnets and spandex, everyone was decked out to the nines.  Me tho, I went as comfy as I possibly could.  It was to be chilly that night and I did not want to have to hold a fur coat, so it was the raccoon bandit onesie for this woman.  I had some dope costumes, one from my best friend Dory from Virginias swimsuit company (@followingdory_swimwear) that I had planned to wear, a very sexy and strappy piece; but I was not feeling in the least bit sexy, so I was completely fine being covered up and masked my way. I got dressed with a bikini underneath in case I got hot i could wrap the arms around my waist, packed my meds, ate some dinner and joined my lovely ladies Stefany and KJ for a beautiful playa sunset. 


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Stefany, KJ, and I the night of the burn.

Our other art car, the boat one, which was used for the main travel of our camp kept disappearing, taken by another camper.  So Stefany arranged it with other friends of hers that had cars for all of us ladies to have a ride down to the man and the boys took the bikes.  Thank goodness for Stefany doing this because I had tried to ride a bike the previous day and the second I got on some rough playa I screamed in pain as my bike jump with my shoulder bouncing as the tires hit the bumps.  So I was beyond grateful, the smoother the ride, the better for me.  

As we are traveling down to the center of the playa, we noticed we weren’t passing anyone like we normally do.  It was clear that all of the burn, all of the camps, were gone, and everyone down at the man. I was excited as was KJ who ended up being my roll kitten on this art car, Stefany held back to direct the rest of the campers with Blake, and KJ and I were to meet them on the “right side of the man”, Stefany said.  KJ and I both knew it was highly unlikely for us to find the group, so we just chose for us to stick together and see as much as we could, to set our intentions and watch the fire burn it all away. 

We get to the center and every art car was there.  It was so beautiful!  All different designs, people everywhere, all different costumes, music changing as you crossed each one.  It was party hopping in the thunder dome.  KJ and I couldn’t take enough of it in.  She would rush to one, we would jump on, meet some people, take a shot, then hop down to see more.  We had almost done a full loop around the man and were headed to the “right side” as Stephany had set that location.  We were walking around in front of the perimeter of art cars when I saw one that caught my eye, it was streams of greens and purples as a copper looking skeleton looking like musical instruments.  I tell KJ to “hold up” as I walk up to the car and as my eyes gazed down my throat and heart sank down to my gut and it was like all the medicine I had taken had warn off for a split second as I catch eyes and I am directly in front of MONSTER.  

First it was the strike of pain, everywhere pain, then it was like my body shut down - almost like I had another seizure.  As I hold my breath and push down the pain with every fiber in my being I turn around to KJ and said, “LET’S GO!”, she knew...and she almost shut down herself as she didn’t have a clue of what to say to me.  We then noticed our art car and his friend Brad with Monster, so now we knew where the art car kept disappearing to.  Every bit of evil of that man was capped that night with me.  I have never met any soul that was capable of doing the sick twisted things he did to me, the manipulation, the con artist, the thief, the most disgusting definition of a human.  I beelined away from them, KJ following my lead, and we left just in time for the countdown to the second explosion (the explosion other than me), the show had begun, and the man was beginning to burn. I stood there, KJ holding my hand, as I watched the fire works and ultimately the fire consume the man, tears of pure anger and pain coming down my face the whole time.  In a disappearing city of over 60,000 people...the world proved again, that its too small.

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We watch the man burn, and never saw the others in our group, so KJ and I as we lost our ride down there decided to make our way back to camp.  And thankfully, KJ is a real one, and she talked about anything and everything other than what had just happened and made the journey back a total blast.  As we came to each street sign, we used as a stripper pole, getting dust on our butts, as we grabbed the bottle of tequila out of my bag, poured it in each of our cups, along with some good old THC and bottoms upped this shit, how it’s done Vegas Style, and what we we come to but the real “sin city” sign of Nevada, “Welcome to Black Rock”.

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We made it back to camp, where the whole crew, Blake and Stefany, and all were throwing our wild party back at Zentropez. DJ was blasting music and damn near everyone had not just a drink, but a whole bottle in their hands, and we spent the rest of the night through till early morning at Trash Panda.  That was the best ending of such a day that I could’ve had and best off, I felt zero pain.  I felt nothing, nothing but the music and my friends all around me in pure bliss. 


TEMPLE TIME vs ZERO GRAVITY

(Sunday, September 1, 2019) Today was a slow day for KJ and I waking up, more like we didn’t want to.  We had missed the breakfast time and woke up in time to catch lunch, but barely, and KJ did what KJ does and went right for the coffee.  I skipped the coffee, went right to the tequila and THC and made my sippy cup for the day and got up with Luke and Kurt to talk about their burning of the man experience. 

Tonight was the night of the Temple burn, or “the church”.  Another night of the best dressed were to head to the center of the playa, but me, my heart was not in it.  I was completely numb, numb to the whole experience.  I did not want to make another journey and run into Monster again, I had seen enough, and been through enough this week and I was just ready to not have any thing that I “had to do” on my plate.  I decided to hang back while everyone else went to the Temple burn.  KJ was upset, she wanted her roll kitten with her, but I just wanted peace, and peace was what I was going to give myself, and I wasn’t the only one.

Luke, Kurt, Aaron and Trey were feeling the same.  Just all of us tired, not so much tired, but the same feelings all together, we just wanted to chill and have no pressure on what we had to see.  The rest of the camp, KJ included, went down to Temple to be in part of the festivities. As getting down to the playa was a pain from where our camp was, especially with no art car, the boys and I decided, instead, to chill at our zero gravity lounge. So I rolled some of Kenji’s Insane OG and we poured ourselves a drink, with the added THC and finally got the r&r that we all wanted from the whole trip.  Then Trey came up with the boss idea of the fork lift, he had the keys still, and as the Trash Panda wasn’t tall enough to look over the rest of the camp, we all got on the lift and went up in the air and watched it burn from the comfort of that little box.  It was perfect.  Well, for us it was exactly what we wanted. 

The rest of our camp made their way back and the boys and I, knowing it was our last night, decided to rally and go find a dope ass party.  So we grabbed Tom, Jesse, KJ and the Houston girls, and headed off camp to join in on what the last day of the festival had to offer.  We all had a great time.  Some of the crew were on Molly, some were on Acid, some on Mushrooms, I stuck with my sippy cup of THC as and am not a fan of Molly to much, and I knew that being on any heavy of a dose of psychedelics, with my week, would not be wise. My head space wasn’t right, and there were too many energies felt, otherwise the setting was pretty top notch, and the others enjoyed themselves plenty. 


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FUCK YOUR BURN 

(Monday, September 2, 2019)  Finally we are at the last day and I could NOT HAVE BEEN more ready to leave.  KJ had had a flight the next morning, and the boys were even more so eager to get back.  Luke and Kurt were both from Florida and a huge Hurricane was about to hit their homes, which they did not prepare for.  So we all were going to head back in our camper together, KJ and I packed up our trailer and cleaned it thoroughly to leave no trace, and the boys did the same.  As we all were gathering to move our stuff into the camper to head home, Blake came over and said that Kurt and Luke couldn’t leave.  Blake needed help breaking down the camp, and the rest of the “privileged” had scattered and left, leaving only a few.  KJ’s heart raced as she needed to catch her flight and me, well, I was out of commission completely to drive, so we were counting on the guys and all of us headed back together.  Thankfully, Kurt and Luke explained to Blake about the hurricane and that they absolutely had to leave today.  So, THANK THE HEAVENS, the boys, KJ and I helped clean and break down what we could to help, packed up our RV and headed off the playa to sit in the longest line out, but we didn’t care, we were OUT OF THERE.  

We didn’t give a shit how long the line was, we were in line, we were so ready to get back home.  Back to our animals, back to showers, and we all as we were in line, grabbed our chairs to wait out beside the RV and have a blaze and our own Dusketeers party.  We survived the longest week of organized chaos we had all ever seen, we survived the Burn, we survived real “life”, of what life used to be.  And we made the best of friends doing so together, for I won’t ever forget each and every one of them, and I guarantee we will all by in our 60’s getting together to recap on all of this as to remember our 7 Days In The Dust.

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Luke, KJ, me, and Kurt, in line leaving the Burn

We actually get home in a record 14 hours, record from our 33 hours to get in, and we all hugged and went our ways - back to reality.  My reality was shook and I needed to process all that had happened, and why, before my head exploded.  So as I parted ways with my burn family and headed home, I decided to have a full day of sitting with it all in meditation. 


POST BURN BOOM

Luke and Kurt had left the house on their flights after we had a mini “Burning Man” at my house where we made a man out of some of the memoir of our Burn for our ceremony.  We wrote our intentions and anything we wanted to let go on our man, said a few words, and torched the MF. (lol)

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Our man, made out of “the man’s” shirt, the guaze from my first aid kit for my finger, our tickets, Luke”s cigarettes pack because he was quitting, and our intentions.


As the dust settled down over the next couple weeks after getting back and catching up on work, going to some doctors appointments, as to my seizures needed to be checked on.  I decided after all the tests were done, and I was in the clear, and back on my road to health, that it was now a good time for me to take a day to hold space for an over due therapeutic magic meditation by myself.  So I ground up 3 grams of psilocybin (Penis Envy), poured myself a bath that I infused with salts, lavender, eucalyptus, and CBD; put some ice water to drink next to the tub and a bowl of ice water for a rag to go around my neck and another for across my eyes.  The bath was hot, and perfect, as I get in about 15 minutes after ingesting, and have a long sit on the last year of my life.

I have quite often used magic mushrooms as a tool for a reset.  When my life seems to be spinning, my stresses up, thoughts running, overthinking, when I am unsettled; and, no matter what, it always seems to put me right back to my center, I call it my “balancing act”.  And that is what that sitting did.  I played rain sounds in the background and just laid in my tub with the ice rag on my neck and the other over my eyes, as I laid there eyes closed letting my thoughts drift.  And what came to me in my meditation was that I came to realize that I was being a whiny little girl.  Most of you read that like, what?!? But, that was what I realized, I saw that every problem that I was blaming on an event, a person, a place, a memory, was MY EXACT PROBLEM.  In “Life’s Game of Chess”, with all the “checks” I received from others, I hadn’t even once checked myself.  I did it that way innocently, as to everything in my life I have done with the best intentions, so when something malicious happens to me by another, it’s like my body “does not compute” and I obsess over it like life was just there to torture me.  Life is just life.  It is what you make of it.  It isn’t promised to any of us.  It’s never been promised to be perfect.  Life is meant to challenge us.  But we get so consumed of others, their lives, especially with social media and celebrities and the marketed lives that we allow ourselves to constantly believe.   We act like life is some fairy tale, and its NOT!  Maybe a Grimm’s Fairy Tale.  But why do we act this way?  With the MANY things that are not right in this world: the materialism, the egos, the absence of any religious foundations, the environmental destruction as a result of technological “advancements” and over-industrialization, the continuing depletion of our natural resources, and the accumulation of fortunes of the millionaires and billionaires by few, while the vast majority of our world is left in destitute; why do we KNOW these things are Our Reality, but expect our lives to be so otherwise “perfect”. Life isn’t meant to be perfect, it’s meant to push you, push you harder, it’s supposed to help you evolve into the greatest version of you - and the strongest version. It is meant to Level You Up.

This is what life does.  We are, especially if you live in America, overall blessed in this world.  We have food, we have shoes, and more than one pair.  We have central air, we have running water.  And not just “running water”, but we have the choice of “oh I don’t drink tap water, only alkaline (blah blah) whiles in other countries many are surviving off drinking muddy water in a puddle in a dirt street.  We look at life very selfishly, all of us.  I have at many times.  We take advantage of so much when we have so much.  The world isn’t perfect and it never will be.  This is Wonderland, and We’re All Mad Here! There will always be the good and the bad, the yin the yang, the Principle of Polarity. Life comes in pairs, you can’t have one without the other.  In fact, I don’t see one “person” as a good person.  I believe there is good and bad in everyone and everything.  You are the enemy in someones story, trust, no matter how good you think yourself to be. So why do we ever kid ourselves to ever think we are supposed to be “perfect”?  Why do we ever let ourselves believe that “life” is supposed to be easy?  It’s life.  Life Isn’t Fucking Easy (L.I.F.E.).  Why is it that we all think that a particular situation should be perfect?  The honeymoon, the engagement, the wedding, our work, our relationships, we put so much pressure on ourselves (and others) to control every aspect in our lives and we are so let down when it doesn’t come to fruit. In truth, marriages end, businesses fail, relationships split and people die.  Why do we always try to avoid the unavoidable?  Why are we all so up in our egos to control every little thing? Why do we try to hide away from pain? We never want to own the pain, we just blame the pain on our enemies, a traffic jam, a stranger - Anyone But Us.  I then thought of a quote I read once by a man named Glennon Doyle that read:

“We think that our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each others pain.  Maybe that’s why we all feel like failures so often - because we all have the wrong description of love.  People who are hurting don”t need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers.  What we need are Patient, Loving, Witnesses.  People who sit quietly and hold space for us.  People to help us stand in the helpless vigil to our pain.” - Glennon Doyle

And that meditation my dears summed it up for me.  What did I do leading up to the burn?  What did I do the entire burn?  I focussed so much on what I had been through over the last year and looked at the burn as “my savior”. The Burn didn’t ask for that.  I will compare it to what I tell my friends to their sometimes “dreamy” thoughts, that I call it “construction syndrome”.  Example, girl meets boy. Boy gets butterflies and falls for girl.  He then (in his head) builds a life with that girl, a house, a white picket fence, a dog, a tire swing, the works, but there were flaws in his plan.  The girl didn’t want a house, she liked living in the city, a fence to her was just a yard to keep up, she was more into cats than dogs, and she fell off a tire swing suffering a broken arm and doesn’t want to look at one again. PLAN FAILED.  And that’s what I did at that burn, I “construction syndrome” the hell out of it! The burn didn’t know I had put this pressure on it, only I did.  That was my main focus, and it was that focus that brought all of that on me.  That was the Principle of Cause and Effect.

We, as humans, lower our vibration every time we react with the emotional attachment of what is only supposed to be a lesson in life. We must practice a very powerful art, that is hard to master, but the art of not dwelling in our pain, our pasts, our lessons, but to learn from them.  To learn, and to move on. The key is to “move on”.  The faster you do that the better, because what we think DOES become our reality, for what is any invention or any creation without first being someone’s thought.  We manifest our inventions, our homes, our work, our books, our music, anything we make; our own lives, our worlds, by what we think.  That is the Principle of Mentalism.  We carry the power of Mentalism in our thoughts and words every day.  An example, if you think you are “old” and say you are “old”, than your body will start to feel just that - old.  Think about it.  How powerful our minds are. Isn’t it weird how you will think about someone and then they will text you or you see them out of the blue?  It could’ve been years, but you think about them and BOOM they’re there.  Our minds can be our own heavens or hells, which ever way we have in our heads for them to be.  Our minds are both beautiful and dangerous, the “yin and yang” (the Polarity) of our personal world and what we bring to the world around us.  We must choose our thoughts and our words more wisely collectively. 

In closing this very long section, (apologies I had to get you there where I was) as I processed it all i had the most eye opening experience.  I was able to check myself.  I put zero blame on the burn or anything that happened to me, because I made it happen.  I sat in my pain for so long that I didn’t know how to think back “happy” again.  I was doing what we all do, putting an all or nothing on the process of healing.  And that’s just not how the healing process goes.  Healing is painful, as Life is painful. You have just got to except and get used to it.  If you look at it, life, being a rollercoaster; survive the lows and ride the highs as long as you can.  Victory isn’t “winning”, it’s surviving.  And you don’t have a choice in how you’re born into this life, you have a choice in how you live it.  It was in that magic meditation that I realized all of what I was and had been doing, and my conclusion was I needed to adjust my thoughts and practices. One practice that I switched up was the saying “Im old”, if you recall that from above.  I’ve changed that diction to now look at my age as levels (like a video game) rather than actual years.  So let’s end this “Tales From The Trip” with I was at Level 34 here in “This Thing We Call Life” and level 34 KICKED MY ASS!


This section is dedicated to The Ferry’s, KJ, Kurt, Luke, Trey, Aaron, DeeDee, Tom, Jess, Walter, the Houston Girls of Shelby, Crysta, and Irene, Joe Riley, Chef Brian, and all of the people of Burning Man.  Thank You!  I Love You! <3

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